Spring sunset from Neahkanie Mountain.
I’m in a fan-fucking-tastic mood. So good, I’m going to write an extended Facebook status update about it because I want you all to know. I’m in a good mood because I surfed with whales, slept in the dirt, drank barley wine and had a huge fuck-off fire under ancient trees with my friends. It was just like Avatar. I plugged myself into a mysterious tree with my crazy fucking pony-tail and tapped into the life-source and everything made sense. It was like taking a fistful of Prozac and Wellbutrin.
I’m never coming down.
Never.
But wait, what about tomorrow? Where do we go from here? Tomorrow might hurt. Tomorrow, we might have to earn a living. Tomorrow, we are a day older. Tomorrow we might get ill. Our parents might die. Obama’s health care bill might fail. Another earthquake in Chile or Haiti. Tomorrow we might loose our jobs. Go overdrawn. How’s my cholesterol level? How’s my credit? My thinning hair and widening waist? What do these things mean in the end? Are they worth my worry? Why am I alive, while the others are dead? Is that luck, karma, fate?
I’m still under the stars. The fire still rages. Smoke bellowing towards the stars. The barley wine still trickles easily down my neck. Five minutes ago, I looked you in the eyes and everything made sense. It was like telepathy. Everything was understood and we didn’t have to ruin it with abstract symbols.
But now my thoughts are floating off. I let go of my mind like a child letting go of a balloon. Such a poor grip. All the potentials. If the universe is so vast and our perception of reality is so limited, then surely the worst-case scenario must be playing out right now, in some dimension or another. Maybe this is the worst case scenario and I’m conveniently hiding from the horror. The groaning trees, the weeping children, the mercury-laden salmon, the CCTV camera waiting and watching me to dare to give a shit... Somewhere our worst nightmares are coming true, so how can we enjoy this fire right now Here And Now?
“Ay, in the very temple of Delight
Veil'd Melancholy has her sovran shrine”
Could I get so high without sinking low?
Should we be working towards an even keel, a happy medium? Perhaps a healthy mind will acknowledge that the good, like the bad is fleeting. All you have is now but it will pass, so let it go like the balloon but keep your mind within your grasp.
Yet, I can’t help but wallow. No its more than that. I get off on it. I get drunk in the muck. Your death is my song. Keats might have argued, the highs are higher because of the bitter lows. You can’t know joy without knowing sorrow. You can’t kiss the infinite sky until you’ve been stomped on, face down in the shit. But then Keats, allegedly did not want that poem published.
Maybe he saw the light, hopped off the tracks that this emotional rollercoaster runs on and found real freedom in transcending the two-dimensional pendulum swing.
As for me… The Blues continue to sound so sweet. I’m not sure, I’m ready to hop off this ride, just yet. I just hope I’m not deaf when I finally do.
Up is lovely,
down is too,
it's its own peculiar labour when you're not able to."*
Up is lovely,
down is too,
it's its own peculiar labour when you're not able to."*
'Ode On Melancholy'- Keats wallow in it
