Illustration by the multi-talented Ammon Bonham
Well, as you can probably tell, I never did write the great American novel and sales of Foulweather aren't putting much healthy food on the table. Therefore I am embarking on a new venture, Surf apparel. First some background:
Let's face it we all piss in our wetsuits, unless you are a rich kook who can afford a Patagucci suit and insist on paddling in for a bit of urea release every time you feel a tinkle in the winkle. Personally, I've always loved pissing in my wettie. Sometimes, I briefly worry about the potential shark attraction of my leaked pee pee but then I'm usually comforted by the warm cozy embrace of my own urine soaking into my rash vest and gently trickling down my leg into my awaiting 5mm thick booties. Admittedly, after surfing having one's body doused in piss doesn't feel so great but in the moment, ahhhh... it just feels right. Now, I usually try and give myself a good flush before exiting the surf so as to minimize post-surf stench but one of the downsides of modern wetsuit technology is the absence of 'ease of flush.' On more than one occasion, while struggling to remove a wetsuit boot while standing precariously on the slippery pebbles of one Oregon's finer surfing locales, I have ended up offering a face full of piss to one of my surfing companions, while freeing my fetid foot from a saturated neoprene boot. We call this, Das Pissen Booten. It makes no sense and doesn't mean shit but it is funny as hell. Just like the way you surf. Lots of people are making a bollock-load of money selling you pap, so why can't we?
Das Pissen Booten Euro Inspired Surf Wear.
Why? Because we're tired of green washing, all over print t-shirts and a general lack of taste and honesty in surfing inspired casual wear.
And mostly because surfers are entitled whiners who couldn't poor piss out of a boot even if the instructions were written on the heal. Many thanks to Ammon, Chris and all the other wankers I surf with for helping me realize my vision, especially Sean for taking a face full of piss the last time we surfed.
Stay tuned for our 'Summer Collection' of T-shirts, beanies, stickers, plastic water bottles and yes, Yangtze River dolphin-skin wetsuit booties*.
*(Conceptualized by thirty-something cool guys in Portland OR, stitched by seven-year-old children in India, then shipped to China to be glued and sealed by thirteen year olds, then off to Germany to be branded by Turkish immigrants and finally shipped to our warehouse in Portland Oregon to be wrapped in single-use protective plastic sheeting by undocumented non-union workers from Central America.)