I’ve just started to see a new acupuncturist after a taking a couple of years break. So I suppose it’s a good a time as any for someone to die on me. For an eighteen year old young man to die on me. For an eighteen year old young man to die of cardiac arrest on me. A good a time as any.
D came to me from rehab. Sixteen not clumsy not shy. Exuding confidence. Cocky as they come. A tricky young dude who I knew was going to push many buttons. D was sixteen and knew who he was and what he wanted to do. No unrealistic long term plans, but some down to earth solid and realistic expectations. I could respect that. He was going to get a job, stay with us one year, save up money, get his Oregon ID gender marker changed to male, have top surgery and then move out with friends when he got closer to turning eighteen, while staying sober. Perfect. I was backing it. But I knew it would be a bit of ride.
I don’t know his whole life story. I don’t tend to pry beyond what people are willing to volunteer. But I knew he spent a vast chunk of his mid-teens drunk and under the influence of other substances. I knew he had some significant health issues both exacerbated and caused by his significant drug and alcohol abuse. He assured me, he didn’t want to go into details but I should know he was talking to his doctors and taking care of himself. Fine by me. I had also spoke to family members who while they seemed to care about him constantly mis-gendered him. It irked me. I understood generational challenges to understanding gender dysphoria but they could at least try a little harder.
D stood by his word and he soon got his first job working at Subway. School was another matter but he was determined to work and often took the graveyard shift at the Subway in Old Town/ China Town. I’m sure its illegal for someone under 18 to run a fast food joint by themselves overnight? But he had some entertaining stories and really seemed to grow from the experience and responsibility. He also became very educated on transgender issues and advocacy. I believe his first Pride event was 2017 and I’d never seen someone so damn proud. So proud, we had a challenging but hilarious conversation about dress code conflicting with what he was not wearing at the Pride event. It was hard not to smile in front of a young man, boobs hanging out and barely covered, arguing that this was the one day he should be able to wear what he wanted.
D certainly had some anger that would surface from time to time to the point of scaring some of my staff. At one point we learned his health history would likely complicate his gender reassignment surgeries, as far I understood it. D wanted things to move fast like most teenagers. And when the pace was too slow, he would explode and eventually we had to ask him to leave. But we agreed he could come back as long as he attended some anger management counseling and understood we were holding him to higher behavioral standard the second time around. And it worked. He was a delight to have around. Even better, he repaired his relationship with his mother as a result. The plan was they were going to convert the garage into a living space for him. And so he moved back in with his mum. Normally, when I’m turning young people into statistics I have some stupid fucking check boxes to tick, and Family Reconciliation wasn’t traditionally seen as a “positive outcome.” Well it was to me and now it also is to the “system.” Some kids save up thousands of dollars, graduate high school, go to college, buy a car etc. D made up with his Mum, and that felt good to see. In fact, I’m confident we played a role in helping that happen. And so he left us one year ago. February 2018.
February 2019 and D is dead. Cardiac Arrest. 18 and Dead. I don’t know the details yet. I was about to do his ’12 month follow-up’ and I do actually think there is a ‘deceased‘ option in the county database. “17 year old transgender male, left program successfully to live with family permanently, now dead.”
The story goes when Ernest Hemingway was challenged to make a grown man cry in six words, he came up with “For sale: Baby Shoes. Never worn.” My staff person said to me in six words, “How prepared are you for news?” I said, pretty prepared as I have acupuncture in two hours. And he broke down while I fought it.
My new acupuncturist said, I had a moat protecting my heart and the water is frozen but she was to help break up the ice and help the protective waters flow again. I said sure. She put a rock on my chest. Feel the weight. She said.
I left acupuncture a bit stronger. Just a bit. And a bit more prepared at least to break the news to others. In the clinic car park, I looked up at the bare February trees and D waved. They always wave. You can’t intentionally look for the waves but you have to be open to seeing them. It amazes me every time every time I get waved at.
“LGBTQ youth had over twice the rate of early death among youth experiencing homelessness.
• LGBTQ youth are at more than double the risk of homelessness compared to non-LGBTQ peers.
• Youth who identified as both LGBTQ and black or multiracial had some of the highest rates of homelessness.
• Among youth experiencing homelessness, LGBTQ young people reported higher rates of trauma and adversity.
• Transgender youth often face unique and more severe types of discrimination and trauma.”
-voiceofyouthcount.org
“Lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and queer (LGBTQ) teens may be two times as likely to be bullied, excluded or assaulted at school. And they're nearly 40 percent less likely to have an adult in their family to whom they can turn. So it's no surprise that they may be twice as likely to experiment with drugs and alcohol.
Families, professionals and policymakers can help prevent substance abuse by supporting all young people - and ensuring LGBTQ teens have equal access to support.
By 12th grade, more than three-quarters of U.S. teens have tried alcohol, nearly half have used marijuana, and 21 percent have abused prescription medication.2 These figures make clear that every adult who supports a teenager should be concerned about drugs and alcohol. For young people who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender or queer (LGBTQ) and their parents or caregivers, the issue is especially pressing. As they cope with stigma, harassment and even rejection by their families, LGBTQ teens are more likely than their non-LGBTQ peers to abuse drugs and alcohol.” Human Rights Campaign
