I change light bulbs for a living.
Don't get too excited, I don't actually change the bulbs. I coordinate the changing of the bulbsWhen a bulb goes out, I get an email from one of the staff. After my coffee break, I'll find the extinguished bulb to confirm it is indeed out. Then, I'll take a burrito break for lunch.
Back at the office, I'll call the multiservices company we outsource to and usually they won't answer, so I'll leave a voicemail and watch videos of toddlers swearing on tik tok until they call me back. If I'm lucky Jay from multiservices will call me back before 6pm when I clock off.
"Hi Pete, I gotta tell ya, we're pretty booked out. How's Tuesday in two weeks time, sound? Say between 9am and 2pm."
"Sounds great, Jay. Can you not send Jeremy though, I've had some complaints from female staff about him."
"Don't worry. Jeremy no longer changes lightbulbs for us. But Joe is available."
"Hmm Joe.... OK, but can you ask him to take a shower before coming over?"
"I can but it's his first job of the day so he shouldn't smell too bad at that point. Gotta WO number for me? And remind me of the address."
"I sure do Jay. 1984. and its 1635 Tuttle St"
"All right then, you'll see in two weeks on Wednesday, sometime between 9am and 2pm at 1635 Buttle st."
"Tuttle st!"
"Right, Tuttle st I always mess that up. OK it's in the system. I'll bill your Admin team."
"Great, I'll make sure I have nothing on my schedule for five hours and I'll be here ready to let Joe in... Wait! I thought you said, "Tuesday?""
"Sorry Pete, yes Tuesday."
So, now I have scheduled the light bulb change in two weeks. Best send an email to the staff team letting them know, they will be pissing in the dark for two weeks. After my next break.
Two weeks later 215pm, no Joe. So I call Jay. Jay doesn't answer so I leave a voicemail and Jay calls me back 24 hours later.
"Oh damn, my mistake Pete, I thought we said Wednesday. Jeremey is on his way over now."
"Damnit Jay, I said not Jeremy! I thought you fired that lecherous maniac?"
"Desperate times, Pete. Lightbulb changers are hard to come by these days. I can see if Jack the trainee is available next week on Friday, if you like?"
"No. I don't like being bothered on Fridays, Jay. Send Jeremy today and then next lightbulb that goes out we can make sure it's Joe. No trainees. I'll make sure the female staff are out of the building before Jeremy gets here."
"That might be for the best. Jeremy's divorce was just finalized."
"Christ, Jay. Jeremy is single! This is going to be a fucking mess. I better get everyone out of the building. This is a lot of work for fucking light bulb Jay."
"I know Pete. Perhaps we could work out an alternative?"
"That could mean everyone pissing in the dark for another two weeks, right?"
"More like a month the way things are going. Joe isn't doing too well."
"What's going on with Joe?"
"He's on paid administrative leave while we investigate several hygiene complaints."
"Fucksake Jay. So you're down to one lightbulb changer? And it's Mr Touchy himself? Jay, honestly, if things continue like this I might have to get certified to change lightbulbs myself."
"Now hold on Pete! Let's not do anything rash. You do know that requires ladder climbing training, right?"
"I am aware that to become a certified lightbulb changer, I will need ladder climbing training. But so what. What's that? A two hour video?"
"Ha, if only it was that easy. No, it's a full day. And they are back to in person training with a practical examination. Ask your safety coordinator if you don't believe me."
"Jesus, I don't have time for the safety coordinator, it's nearly time for my burrito break."
"Your burrito will have to wait as Jeremey just got there. He says he's been buzzing up for 10 minutes."
"I'm right by the buzzer, Jay. I haven't heard anything. Let me check the camera. He's not there Jay. Jeremy is not outside buzzing up. Are you sure you gave him the correct address?"
"Of course, 1635 Buttle St?"
"How many fucking times, Jay? How many fucking times do I have to tell you? Tuttle! Tuttle Fucking st, Jay!"
"Oh shit. You're right Pete. I'm sorry. Let me text Jeremy to see if he can still get to Tuttle St today, still."
"You know as well as I do that Jeremey can't text. His slimy fingers slip all over his outdated phone."
"God, you're right. Perhaps I can have one of the lightbulb changer trainees rush over for you? I could do that for you, Pete."
"Jay, You know I need a goddamned professional to change a lightbulb. You know that! And I think I'm done with Jeremy. He's a liability. I don't want to be responsible for any more minor sexual assaults he might initiate."
"Damn, Pete. I want to do right by you. Let's say two weeks from today, I send Joe over? His hygiene investigation should be concluded by then and I am confident HR will just issue him a verbal warning to use soap every time he showers. Sound good?"
"Fine. Pending Joe's hygiene investigation, the lightbulb will be changed two weeks from Tuesday?"
"Wednesday."
"Wednesday?"
"Yes, Wednesday. Thanks much, Pete. Sidenote, have you thought about upgrading your light fixtures to LED? We could do that for you Pete. Might save us all some future headaches."
"Fuck you, Jay."
Unfortunately, there is no end to this story.
The sun rises, the sun sets.
We all continue to piss in the dark,
as we wait for enlightenment or oblivion.
Either can't come soon enough.
