I don’t think it is an under-estimate to say that right now 90% of my social interactions outside of work and home are mediated through technology and social media. And I know I am not the only one. Never so easy to stay in touch. Never so alone.

I had a very vivid dream the other night. I was sitting in a parked car on a dreary British high street. When I saw my dead friend  and university flat-mate, Mark making his way into a newsagent. Mark died a few years ago from cancer of the esophagus. I called out to him, “Mark, Mark.” I did not or could not get out of the car but I leaned out the window repeatedly calling his name until he heard me. Strangely, the desperation of that call, in that dream, is still sitting with me.

He finally heard me and walked up to the car. His face, emotionless, perhaps even a tad confused.

Relieved. “Mark.” I was a bit out of breath from calling his name. “Mark, thank you for being my friend.” Was all I could muster up and say. 

Again, without emotion he looked at me, and reached out his hand. We exchanged a solid hand shake and then he walked away without having said anything and entered the shop he was originally heading into.  

millions now singing are already silent

i read the news today

oh boy

trump's army had just won the war

and though the news was rather sad

i just had to laugh

a european reader of the new york times

in response said,

"i can no longer listen to jazz. 

america is dead."

cat named dog

toad named frog

oh a boy

named girl

its all a whirl

peace named war

are we sure?

cat named dog

toad named frog

peace named war

can we be sure?

woke up 

fell out of bed

dragged a comb across my head

you're dead, you're dead

you're already dead, you're already dead

and out of this world

a crowd of people turned away

norma*, john**, john*** and john**** 

please stay, please stay, please stay, please stay

you're out of this world

millions now silent will never sing

millions now living are already dead

_______

*Norma Tanega

**John Lennon

***John Ratter aka Penny Rimbaud

****John Herndon (Tortoise)

week one

 

modern warfare

little men with White Nationalist tattoos

talk new pull up standards for the military

while the reality is

gender neutral drones will be fighting gender neutral drones guided by Asinine Intelligence

with lots of collateral damage.

 Perhaps life is little more than a cycle of building tension and occasional cathartic release. 

Sacred Hole In The Ground

 

These lamp posts have opinions

 

"Microphones in the trees Cameras in the sky Antennas in the canyon 

And the lobby's full of spies 

For us who are like bulldozers Sleeping in the sun 

For us who are like lightning 

Buried in the mud

 Don't! Give! Up! 

Don't! Give! In! 

Our time will come 

'Cause we are the flood 

So grab my hand 

Lets set some fires" 

-A Silver Mt Zion

 Walking to grab a burrito the other day, I walked by a sketchy street corner with a few people hanging out, up to no good. One of them had his hood up, mask on and stared me out. I took a wide path around some nearby dogs, tried to look tough and carried on my way to the burrito cart but could feel his eyes on me.

At the burrito cart, several blocks away I ordered my usual veggie burrito, and began doom scrolling on my phone as I waited. Before long a hooded figure approached me and said "Pete, what's up?" It was another pasty white Brit, who doesn't look unlike myself. A bloke named Will who also works with vulnerable kids. We had a quick catch-up chat, grabbed our food and went in opposite directions back to work.

On the way back, I had to walk past the sketchy scene again and the same dude was there, sat in the exact spot, staring me down. "Hey, hey!" he shouted. I was ready for him to ask me for some spare change but no, Instead he asked, "Do you know Will?" WTF? I thought. "Yeah, I know Will I was just with him." I replied, thinking there is no way he could have just seen us together unless he can see through dozens of buildings. He carried on, "Well when you see him..." I cut him off, "I probably won't see him we work in different places." But homeboy carried on, "When you see him, tell him I am the guy who will destroy him in ping pong." I cracked up, OK man, I might not see him for awhile but I I'll text him ... And we both laughed... He then took his mask off to reveal a big friendly grin.

Back at the office. I texted Will. "Crazy coincidence, after I saw you, a random dude pulled me aside and told me he will destroy you in ping pong." Will replied, completely unphased,

"That's Atlas. That kid is living in a dream world."

Atlas who lives in dream world!

...as do we all...

the firs wave back

 

sitting under a thicket of firs

i drink a small amount of beer. 

enough to relax and quiet the chatter. 

we talk about self-driving cars and plastics in the placenta of new borns. 

who asked for this? 

don’t talk to me about democracy

a dragon fly hovers above

the north wind wafts campfire smoke our way

uncle ted was right.

said it before/ say it again 

said it before/ say it again

the firs wave back

where is my fucking note book?

...continued investment in complexity as a problem-solving strategy yields a declining marginal return... -Joseph Tainter, The Collapse of Complex Societies.

Changing a Lightbulb

I change light bulbs for a living.

Don't get too excited, I don't actually change the bulbs. I coordinate the changing of the bulbsWhen a bulb goes out, I get an email from one of the staff. After my coffee break, I'll find the extinguished bulb to confirm it is indeed out. Then, I'll take a burrito break for lunch.

After Lunch, I'll generate a work order number. This involves some actual work. Location of the bulb, type of bulb, what trade I need to have it replaced (certified lightbulb changer), priority level and who to contact. After that I'll take leisurely walk around the city

Back at the office, I'll call the multiservices company we outsource to and usually they won't answer, so I'll leave a voicemail and watch videos of toddlers swearing on tik tok until they call me back. If I'm lucky Jay from multiservices will call me back before 6pm when I clock off.

"Hi Pete, I gotta tell ya, we're pretty booked out. How's Tuesday in two weeks time, sound? Say between 9am and 2pm."

"Sounds great, Jay. Can you not send Jeremy though, I've had some complaints from female staff about him."

"Don't worry. Jeremy no longer changes lightbulbs for us. But Joe is available."

"Hmm Joe.... OK, but can you ask him to take a shower before coming over?"

"I can but it's his first job of the day so he shouldn't smell too bad at that point. Gotta WO number for me? And remind me of the address."

"I sure do Jay. 1984. and its 1635 Tuttle St"

"All right then, you'll see in two weeks on Wednesday, sometime between 9am and 2pm at 1635 Buttle st."

"Tuttle st!"

"Right, Tuttle st I always mess that up. OK it's in the system. I'll bill your Admin team."

"Great, I'll make sure I have nothing on my schedule for five hours and I'll be here ready to let Joe in... Wait! I thought you said, "Tuesday?""

"Sorry Pete, yes Tuesday."

So, now I have scheduled the light bulb change in two weeks. Best send an email to the staff team letting them know, they will be pissing in the dark for two weeks. After my next break.

Two weeks later 215pm, no Joe. So I call Jay. Jay doesn't answer so I leave a voicemail and Jay calls me back 24 hours later.

"Oh damn, my mistake Pete, I thought we said Wednesday. Jeremey is on his way over now."

"Damnit Jay, I said not Jeremy! I thought you fired that lecherous maniac?"

"Desperate times, Pete. Lightbulb changers are hard to come by these days. I can see if Jack the trainee is available next week on Friday, if you like?"

"No. I don't like being bothered on Fridays, Jay. Send Jeremy today and then next lightbulb that goes out we can make sure it's Joe. No trainees. I'll make sure the female staff are out of the building before Jeremy gets here."

"That might be for the best. Jeremy's divorce was just finalized."

"Christ, Jay. Jeremy is single! This is going to be a fucking mess. I better get everyone out of the building. This is a lot of work for fucking light bulb Jay."

"I know Pete. Perhaps we could work out an alternative?"

"That could mean everyone pissing in the dark for another two weeks, right?"

"More like a month the way things are going. Joe isn't doing too well."

"What's going on with Joe?"

"He's on paid administrative leave while we investigate several hygiene complaints."

"Fucksake Jay. So you're down to one lightbulb changer? And it's Mr Touchy himself? Jay, honestly, if things continue like this I might have to get certified to change lightbulbs myself."

"Now hold on Pete! Let's not do anything rash. You do know that requires ladder climbing training, right?"

"I am aware that to become a certified lightbulb changer, I will need ladder climbing training. But so what. What's that? A two hour video?"

"Ha, if only it was that easy. No, it's a full day. And they are back to in person training with a practical examination. Ask your safety coordinator if you don't believe me."

"Jesus, I don't have time for the safety coordinator, it's nearly time for my burrito break."

"Your burrito will have to wait as Jeremey just got there. He says he's been buzzing up for 10 minutes."

"I'm right by the buzzer, Jay. I haven't heard anything. Let me check the camera. He's not there Jay. Jeremy is not outside buzzing up. Are you sure you gave him the correct address?"

"Of course, 1635 Buttle St?"

"How many fucking times, Jay? How many fucking times do I have to tell you? Tuttle! Tuttle Fucking st, Jay!"

"Oh shit. You're right Pete. I'm sorry. Let me text Jeremy to see if he can still get to Tuttle St today, still."

"You know as well as I do that Jeremey can't text. His slimy fingers slip all over his outdated phone."

"God, you're right. Perhaps I can have one of the lightbulb changer trainees rush over for you? I could do that for you, Pete."

"Jay, You know I need a goddamned professional to change a lightbulb. You know that! And I think I'm done with Jeremy. He's a liability. I don't want to be responsible for any more minor sexual assaults he might initiate."

"Damn, Pete. I want to do right by you. Let's say two weeks from today, I send Joe over? His hygiene investigation should be concluded by then and I am confident HR will just issue him a verbal warning to use soap every time he showers. Sound good?"

"Fine. Pending Joe's hygiene investigation, the lightbulb will be changed two weeks from Tuesday?"

"Wednesday."

"Wednesday?"

"Yes, Wednesday. Thanks much, Pete. Sidenote, have you thought about upgrading your light fixtures to LED? We could do that for you Pete. Might save us all some future headaches."

"Fuck you, Jay."

Unfortunately, there is no end to this story.

The sun rises, the sun sets.

We all continue to piss in the dark,

as we wait for enlightenment or oblivion.

Either can't come soon enough.

 

i used to get visits from the dead
after self-awareness this was
terrifying and unwelcome
later became a curiosity and profundity
but still not something i was sure i welcomed

when you were born
the midwife said,
watch her all night, make sure she's still breathing
countless hours your tiny body laid in the my forearm and palm
i put my forehead to yours
and you said, you don't have to worry about that anymore
i knew you'd just come from a place, i had long forgotten
you'd lifted some burden

three chapters of seven, later

all my favorite writers have hope
i only have a tiny bit left
if the world must end tomorrow,
i'll still try to lay a brick today
because of you.

"IN THE BEGINNING there was a river. The river became a road and the road branched out to the whole world. And because the road was once a river it was always hungry.

In that land of beginnings spirits mingled with the unborn. We could assume numerous forms. Many of us were birds. We knew no boundaries. There was much feasting, playing, and sorrowing. We feasted much because of the beautiful terrors of eternity. We played much because we were free. And we sorrowed much because there were always those amongst us who had just returned from the world of the Living. They had returned inconsolable for all the love they had left behind, all the suffering they hadn’t redeemed, all that they hadn’t understood, and for all that they had barely begun to learn before they were drawn back to the land of origins.

There was not one amongst us who looked forward to being born. We disliked the rigours of existence, the unfulfilled longings, the enshrined injustices of the world, the labyrinths of love, the ignorance of parents, the fact of dying, and the amazing indifference of the Living in the midst of the simple beauties of the universe. We feared the heartlessness of human beings, all of whom are born blind, few of whom ever learn to see." 

-Ben Okri, "The Famished Road" Chapter 1

Penblwydd Hapus, Medwen